God forgives fully
The greatest miracle of all is the gift of salvation, when we finally recognize how really incapable we are of doing it on our own, and cry out to God the father, confessing that we are sinners, and that we need Him to come into our lives, clean us up and forgive us our sins. His transforming grace begins to work in our lives and we become a new creation. This is the new birth experience. The process is not always the same in each one, as God is the potter and He begins to form the clay into the vessel that He sees each one to be, according to His divine purposes.
Sometimes, though, we can begin this process and then turn away. Being too impatient to let Him work at His will and His speed in our lives.
As a young wife and mother I would sometimes become angry or hurt with my husband, because he did not treat me as a husband should treat his wife. He often called me cruel names, and verbally abused me. I would always be so wounded by the things that he said, but as soon as he treated me with a little bit of kindness I was ready to forgive and forget.
However, as time moved on and the abuse continued, I begin to form a wound that was getting deeper and uglier everyday. I soon realized that not only was the abuse not going to go away, but he actually enjoyed watching the sorrow that he caused in me. I had been taught that marriage was forever, and although at times I would want to go, I would always repent and stay. As the time passed, the reason was not only that I believed in marriage, but I now felt that I had no marketable skills, with which to make a living for me and for my children. It soon became easier to just stick around then to try to take control and get help.
Shortly after the earthquake in Guatemala, I did decide to leave him, and I let him know. From that time onward it was difficult for me to leave my house. If I did leave and was gone more than 10 minutes, my husband would either send one of our sons to look for me, or he would come himself. I wasn't allowed to make any friends. I couldn't speak the language, and it was just a very difficult situation all around.
Finally my husband and I planned a to make the trip, with our kids, back to the states for some supplies that we needed for our furniture business. We would be staying at my sisters home while we were there.
I quickly began to make my plans. I was careful not to show any signs of what I was thinking, but I knew what I had to do.
I had been making recordings of my husbands abuse for sometime, and I made sure to take the cassettes home with me.
After I reached home, and my sister and I were able to be alone together, I told her what was happening and asked her to help me. She said that they had a lawyer for their company, and she would see if he could help me. She made an appointment with him for the following Monday.
In the meantime, my husband got a call from his business partner telling him he was needed back in Guatemala. I had free room to do what I had come to do.
I took the cassettes to my lawyer and he was completely amazed at what he heard.
My husband received a telegram in Guatemala telling him not to even get near the kids nor me until after we had the hearing.
Immediately he packed up and returned to the states. By this time I was staying with my parents, and when he showed up, they told him that they couldn't violate the court order, so they couldn't let him see me.
He went and bought a pickup truck and camped outside my parents home, day and night. I had began working in the office of my sister and her husband. My husband would follow me to work, he would stop me every time he could find me on the street. He went to my sister and asked her to intercede for him. My kids would go to the window and look out at my husband sitting in the parking lot crying.
When my husband was able to see me he told me how sorry he was for the way he had treated me, told me that he would change and he would treat me right. He promised the same to my mother, father and my sister. He would take me out and buy clothes for me and for the kids, or toys for them, jewelry for me, or take me and my family out to restaurants.
He really seemed so changed. Finally he wore me down and I decided to return to Guatemala with him. The separation had taken so much strength on my part, that I knew when I gave in that I would probably never have the strength to go through this again.
At first, everything was wonderful. I was once again in love with my husband.
One of the things that he regretted was the fact that we just had two boys. He wanted a little girl. I had a tubal legation when we were having problems, because I just couldn't see having more children to put through what we had all been going through.
I began to pray that God would either send me a little girl through pregnancy, (nothing is impossible for Him) or if not, to let me adopt a baby girl.
I had met a lady in the church that I attended, who was seemingly very nice. The pastor had introduced her to me when I had asked him to find someone who needed to work, so that they could help us in the sales room, and this was the person that he had found. The first time I had seen her I was surprised because she wore red knitting wool in her ear lobes, but since the pastor recommended her, I decided that I shouldn't be judging her, and received her into our sales room. Before long, her two nieces were working for us and then they also brought us someone to work as a chauffeur.
One day this lady arrived at work, very excited, she had found someone who was pregnant but was very poor and felt unable to care for the baby. She already had two children who were at home alone all week long, with just the neighbors watching to makes sure they were ok, while she was out working. They wanted to know if I wanted the baby. I said, "if it's a little girl I do."
So it was that a month later I became the proud mother of a little girl. She was so beautiful and I couldn't have loved her more if I had carried her inside my own womb.
I also felt a greater affection then I had before, for the lady who had brought her to me.
This lady would always act very sympathetic towards me when my husband would verbally assault me. Yes, he still continued the abuse, although I usually just passed it off as his way of being, and didn't pay much attention to it anymore.
This lady, however, would get very upset and say, "how do you let him talk to you that way? You know what hurts me is that those words are like swords in your heart, and he shouldn't treat you like that." At first I would just brush it off, but little by little, I began to agree with her, he shouldn't be treating my like that.
One halloween afternoon she said to me, "don't forget, you have to leave water on your table tonight so that the saints will have something to drink when they come in the morning." I laughed and said, "what are you talking about, surely you don't believe that." She answered that it was true and dared me to try it and see. The next day I told her that nothing had happened. I had left the water as she had suggested and there was no water taken from it. Then she said, "Oh, I know what happened, it's because you don't have any body in your family who has died.
Every once in a while she would dare me to try one thing and then another. She then slowly but surely got me trying the occult. I believing that I was going to prove her wrong, promised not to pray for a certain time and do this as an experiment. Every time I would report that something didn't have an affect, she would give me something else to try out. Before I realized it, I was completely involved in witchcraft.
I no longer wanted to pray. because I believed that it would knock down all the work I was doing to prove this thing wrong. I began to think about forming a relationship with someone who was not my husband, because I liked the nice words he said to me. I had come to hate my husband and his attacks of anger, I never read my bible, I never prayed or sought God for my family and now I was trying to attract someone other than my husband, and I succeeded.
One day the pastor of our church came to visit our salesroom. He talked to us for quite a time, just a friendly visit, and then he asked if he could pray with us. I said yes, and we bowed our heads in prayer.
When he left, I no longer had the desire to continue with things I had been doing to supposedly prove to my friend that she was wrong. I told her, that I no longer wanted any part in this. She answered, "that's ok, we don't have to do anymore."
I felt so clean, but the next weekend this lady went to my mother and laws house, told her that I had been involved, not in witchcraft but in an affair. They called my husband and they told him, but said for him not to say anything to me, but that to watch and they would prove it to him. The problem was that I no longer felt any attraction toward the person I had been interested in, and no longer tried to find ways to be with him.
The next week just as I was about to leave work for home, I received a phone call from one of the workers. He said that he had received some money that day for a set of furniture that he had delivered, but had forgotten to leave it at work. He said that he wasn't going right home, and didn't want to take the money with him,and asked if I could meet him and pick up the money.
Since the place that he was waiting was on my way home, I said I was just getting ready to leave, and would be right there. I was a little surprised when the women who worked for me, and usually rode to her home with me, decided not to go.
When I reached the place that I was to meet the him, I couldn't find him. There were many people in that place waiting for their busses. I went around three times, but when I didn't find him I went on home. What a surprise when I pulled into the drive way and my husband came in behind me. That was when I finally learned that this had been trap, set up by the woman who had gotten me involved in witchcraft, in order to make my husband think that I was having an affair with the worker.
I realized that all of this had happened because I walked out of the protection of God's hands.
I just wanted God to forgive me and cleanse me. I prayed so hard for forgiveness. That God would forgive me, and that I would forgive this person who had done this to me. It took me many years to realize that the person I most needed to forgive, was myself. I felt so bad, that I just couldn't believe that God had forgiven me when I had betrayed Him.
I went through years of depression. The situation in my life got so bad, my husband did not leave me, but he used every opportunity to let me know that I was nothing to him anymore. He began openly having an affair with someone whom I called my friend. One day he told me that he wanted to bring his lover there to share our home. I refused and he told me that I would then be the one leaving.
Every time any thing bad happened to me, I embraced it. I felt that this was God's punishment for what I had done.
I would have such terrible depression. My life felt hopeless, and I was constantly worried about the power of the devil over my life.
Only those who have been there can know about the grip the enemy holds over us. Slowly I began to realize that God had forgiven me. That I needed to forgive myself. That all of us have sinned and come short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 but if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 john 1:9 I also had to learn to not come into agreement with the devil when he brought evil to pass in my life. Not to agree with him that I deserved this. Tor realize that Jesus had already paid the price for my sins, and in accepting His forgiveness, I no longer needed to pay for my sins.
Thankfully God never gave up on me. It took years, but God was with me and continuously revealing His truths to me.
The hardest thing was to overcome the fear of satan's retaliation against me. I feared it, and it seemed that he was always taking pot shots at me, then one day when I was praying and praising God, the words suddenly leaped out at me, "for yours is the kingdom and the Power, and the glory forever!" Matthew 9:13
It was like a light had come on in my mind. I realized that I had given an attribute of God, to satan. An attribute that he did not deserve.
I also realized that satan has no power if we don't give it to him. The power he has is subjected to us because God has given us power over all of the power of the enemy. That is why we are told when Christ returns we will look on satan and say, is that it? Is that the one who tormented us? It's because satan plays games with you mind to make you think that he has power, but the Power belongs to God, and only God. I recognized the fact that by fearing the power of the enemy I was giving to him something that only belonged to God. I knelt on my knees and confessed this sin and asked God to cleanse me of it. When ever I feel tempted to think that satan has power I declare out loud, "God, yours is the kingdom and yours is the power, and yours is the glory forever and ever. Nothing can harm me when you are in control.
I am happy to say, that I am forgiven, God has cleansed me from my great sins. Did I deserve it, no. Was it based on my righteousness, no. There is nothing I can do to deserve it. I have sinned on many occasions. Only God is worthy. It is because of an agreement that God made with His son Jesus, before I was ever born. He said "son, if You go and die, then because of Your worthiness, I will accept anyone who accepts You. I will do it based onYour merit. You will be the substitute for their sins, and I will substitute what You deserve for what they deserve."
Thank God, that Jesus is worthy. I can ask what I want in His name, and know, that because Jesus is worthy, I will receive it, in Jesus name.
Have you received this washing of the blood through Jesus? Have you accepted Him as your Lord and savior?
The bible says "believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved and your house." Acts16:31.
We are also told that "the works of God is to believe on the one He has sent." John 6:29
And again Jesus said, "you refuse to come to me
to have life." John 5:40
Just recognize before God that you need Him, that you recognize your sinful condition and ask Him to come and cleanse you and make you His child and an heir of His kingdom.
He loves you and if you really mean it, He will reach out His arms and heal you.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and will cleanses us of all of our unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
And then go out and tell someone about it.
"If you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved...anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame." Romans 10: 9-11
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